Adult Joke # 0027

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner, and don’t move.”

She then quickly rubbed baby oil all over his body and dusted him with some talcum powder.

“Don’t move a muscle until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh… it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom, and I liked it so much I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!”

Adult Joke # 0026

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”

Adult Joke # 0025

There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters who decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. After months of trying the wife finally got pregnant, and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son, took one look, and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no possible way he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Well, not this time!”

Adult Joke # 0024

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awakened around eight that evening. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary, and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf again!”

Adult Joke # 0023

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of fifty pence.

Murphy said, “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher’s shop, and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don’t worry laddy, just follow me.”

They went into the first pub they saw, where Murphy happily ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said, “Now you’ve really lost it! Do you know the trouble we’ll be in? We haven’t got any money!”

Murphy replied with a smile, “Don’t you worry, lad, I have a plan. Cheers!”

They downed their drinks, and Murphy said, “Okay, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper, and you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth.” Just as Murphy had planned the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued doing this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk – and all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, “Murphy, I don’t think I can do any more o’ this. I’m drunk, and me knees are killin’ me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I lost the bloody sausage in the third pub!”

Adult Joke # 0022

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup one of her breasts in each hand and whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s.’ Then you try and stay on for eight seconds!”

Adult Joke # 0021

Tom had been in the liquor business for twenty-five years. Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought fifty acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week, and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation someone knocked on his door. He opened it and saw a huge, bearded man standing there.

“Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  I’m having a Christmas party Friday night, and thought you might like to come.”

“Great,” said Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some of the local folks. Thank you.”

As Lars was leaving he stopped and said, “Gotta warn you... there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem,” said Tom. “After twenty-five years in the liquor business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. “More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

“More’n likely be some wild sex, too.”

“Now that’s really not a problem,” said Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us…”

Adult Joke # 0020

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”

In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”

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What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Adult Joke # 0019

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every dockworker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............

...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, “I don’t understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!”

Adult Joke # 0018

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Adult Joke # 0017

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Adult Joke # 0016

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

Adult Joke # 0015

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

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Do you know what 6.9 is?

A good thing fucked up by a period.

Adult Joke # 0014

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

Adult Joke # 0013

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to make his first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to tell his father about it.

“So, did you jump?” the father asked.

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”

“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.

“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”

“Did you jump then?” asked the father.

“I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”

“So, did you jump?”

“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’”

“I said, ‘No, sir. I'm too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this baby up your ass!’”

“So… did you jump?” asked the father.

“Well, a little, at first...”

Adult Joke # 0012

A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

Adult Joke # 0011

There’s a drunk at one end of a bar, and a woman in a tight low-cut dress at the other end of the bar. The woman is waving feverishly for the bartender, and she has an incredibly hairy armpit.

The drunk yells out, “Give me a drink, and give a drink to the ballerina at the other end.”

The bartender says, “How do you know she’s a ballerina?”

The drunk says, “Who else could get her leg up that high?”

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What’s the difference between making love to a girl with arms and making love to a girl without arms?

If you’re making love to a girl without arms and it pops out, you have to put it back in.

Adult Joke # 0010

Collis walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, “I want to buy some toilet paper.”

She says, “What color?”

He says, “Give me white. I’ll color it myself.”

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Why did Disney World fail in Japan?
Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides.

Adult Joke # 0009

The madam of a whorehouse is doing a bang-up business, so she decides to divide her reception area in half so she’ll have another bedroom.

A carpenter puts up a wall, and then tells her, “That’ll be fifteen hundred bucks, Miss.”

She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, and lies on the floor.

She says, “I don’t have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade.”

He gets down on the floor next to her, he puts his middle finger in her asshole and his thumb in her snatch and says, “All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I’m gonna rip out the partition.”

Adult Joke # 0008

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”

“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”

The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”

Adult Joke # 0007

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of tryingthey decided to go to the hospital.

As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

Adult Joke # 0006

A man calls his wife from Accident and Emergency. He tells her that he lost his finger in a building site accident.

“Oh my God!” cries the wife, “The whole finger?”

“No,” replies her husband. “The one next to it.”

Adult Joke # 0005

Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself.

A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.

After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any fucking ears!”

Adult Joke # 0004

Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital.

“Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”

When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.

A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accidentprone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Markwent to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ballabout.

A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”

“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.” The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”

Adult Joke # 0003

Two women were sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic. One noticed that the other was knitting what appeared to be a little blue romper suit.

The first lady said to the knitter, “Excuse me, but don’t you think it is just a little bit tasteless to be knitting a romper suit when you are about to have an abortion?”

“Not even remotely,” the second lady replied. “It’s a body bag.”

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My girlfriend recently had an abortion.

Looking on the bright side, she also won Slimmer of the Week.

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Why can’t you fool an aborted foetus?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday.

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What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech.

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Hear about the back-street abortionist whose business folded?

His ferret died.

Adult Joke # 0002

What’s the difference between a television and a pregnant girlfriend?

If you put a coat hanger inside your pregnant girlfriend you don’t get a very good reception.

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What do you call a man at an abortion clinic?

Relieved.

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Why is the Catholic Church so opposed to abortion?

Because it would mean fewer children to molest.

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What two purchased items are most likely to freak out a cashier?

A pregnancy test and a coat hanger.

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Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

There’s a twelve-month waiting list.

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What do you call an aardvark that keeps getting his head kicked in?

A vark.

Adult Joke # 0001

An aardvark walks into a bar, orders a pint of beer, sits down and starts to read his newspaper. The barman pulls a pint and takes it over to the aardvark, who proffers a £10 note. The barman goes back to the till, returns with a pound coin and duly gives it the aardvark, who doesn’t say a word.

The aardvark eventually downs his beer and calls for another one. The barman says to him, “You know, we don’t get many aardvarks in here.”

The aardvark replies, “At £9 a pint, I’m not fucking surprised.”