Adult Joke # 0033

One day God decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and told him of his decision. He explained to St Peter that he was going to make a human being who was similar to man, yet was different and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. God said he would call this new creation “woman”. So God went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When he had finished creating this being that would now be called woman he summoned St Peter.

“Oh Lord, once again you have done a cracking job,” said St Peter when he saw the woman.

“Thank you, you are very kind,” replied God, looking pleased with himself. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, St Peter. I am thinking of making her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate and more adaptable than man’s.”

“Good idea again, Lord,” said St Peter.

“What about nerve endings? How many should I put in her hands?”

“How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.

“Two hundred,” replied God.

“Then do the same for this woman,” said St Peter.

“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”

“How many did we put in Adam?”

“Seventy-five,” replied God. “These beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, so I think I will do the same for woman.”

“Nice one,” said St Peter.“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?”

How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.

“Four hundred and twenty,” replied God.

“Of course, I wanted Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t I? Do you think I should do the same for woman?”

“Again, good idea, Oh Lord,” said St Peter.

“No, wait.” said God. “Fuck it. Let’s give her ten thousand. I want her to scream out my name.”

"Quote"

Why did God create Adam first?

Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Adult Joke # 0032

God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?”

Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”

God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. From these two gifts you will derive great pleasure and great intellect.”

“Wow, God,” Adam replies, “that’s great. But what’s the bad news?”

God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time.”

"Quote"

What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A sheep.

Adult Joke # 0031

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are warmly welcomed at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter. “Sisters,” he says, “I want to thank you for all your good work on earth. Now there's just a brief formality before I can admit you to heaven: each of you will have to answer one question.” And, turning to the first nun, he asks, “Sister Catherine, what is the Mystery of the Trinity?”

“That's the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,” she replies. And the lights flash, the bells go off, and Sister Michael is swept into the Pearly Gates.

“Sister Benedicta,” asks Saint Peter gently, “what is the Mystery of the Virgin Birth?”

That's the Immaculate Conception,” she replies, and she too is swept inside the gates with much flashing of lights and sounding of bells.

Sister Angelica is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness. St. Peter turns to her and asks, “What, Sister Angelica, were the first words Eve said to Adam?”

Sister Angelica thinks it over, beads of sweat starting to appear on her brow, and finally blurts, “Gee, Saint Peter, that's a hard one.”

And the bells went off, the gates opened . . .

Adult Joke # 0030

A blind man and his friend were walking along with the blind man's dog, when the dog simply raised its leg and pissed on the blind man's shoe. To his friend's astonishment, the man reached over and proceeded to stroke the dog's back.

“What the hell are you patting him for?” exclaimed his friend. “The dog just pissed on you!”

“I gotta find out where his head is,” said the blind man testily, “so I can kick his ass.”

Adult Joke # 0029

The Williams were suitably unhappy when their first child was born with no ears, and their best friends, the Cains, were well aware of this. Preparing for their first visit to see the newborn, Mrs. Cain reminded her husband that at all costs he should avoid any reference to the baby's defect.

In no time at all both couples found themselves cooing over the crib. “Look at those arms,” said Mrs. Cain. “He's really going to be able to throw a ball. And those legs—he could be a sprinter. Say, how're his eyes?”

“Terrific,” said the proud mother.

They better be,” blurted Cain. “Hell never be able to wear glasses!”