Adult Joke # 0008

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”

“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”

The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”

Adult Joke # 0007

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of tryingthey decided to go to the hospital.

As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

Adult Joke # 0006

A man calls his wife from Accident and Emergency. He tells her that he lost his finger in a building site accident.

“Oh my God!” cries the wife, “The whole finger?”

“No,” replies her husband. “The one next to it.”

Adult Joke # 0005

Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself.

A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.

After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any fucking ears!”

Adult Joke # 0004

Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital.

“Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”

When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.

A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accidentprone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Markwent to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ballabout.

A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”

“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.” The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”